The Blog You've all been waiting for...

First of all this isn’t for you to feel sorry for me or to make you feel bad, but it’s a testimony of what the Lord has shown me through breaking me.

"The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart" Psalm 51:17

You've been waiting for this one for two reasons....
1. Because it’s been so long since I've posted a new one
2. Because this blog is about to get real.

I will start by telling you just some of the things I have been really struggling with this month.
1. Appearance- everywhere you look in HK there are beautiful Asian woman. Size 2 bodies, perfect skin, and the cutest outfits you will ever see.
2. Home- I keep thinking about home, family and friends, and constantly throwing a self pity party, thinking about how much I am missing out on, and how many people have forgotten me.
3. Control- Working in the ministry has taught me that I cannot control things. I am fighting my flesh for control over a lot of areas.
4. Patience- The woman I live with has tested my patience to a breaking point recently.

APPEARANCE I find myself constantly trying to find different ways to be pretty. I run all the time to try and try and try to have a better body. I went out and bought all new kinds of makeup that I have never worn to try and make myself look prettier. I went out and bought a new purse, shoes, new outfits that look up to date and in style with the trends here to feel pretty. Every time I look in the mirror I don’t see a pretty girl, but I see a ugly person who needs to change so much in order to be beautiful.

Breaking point: First off, people here are very honest about EVERYTHING. I broke this week when my security guard here told me after a run 'you need to run longer, and do more.' I didn’t even know how to respond and out of anger I said 'you try and do what I do' to a old Chinese man for crying out loud! I ran upstairs to my room and just balled. Satan knows how this is such a battle for me, and I have not been overcoming it the right way. I am looking to things to make me feel better. I am constantly giving the girls in our youth group verses to remind them of the love the Father has for them. Verses I want them to claim to remember that they are fearfully and wonderfully made, yet I have not claimed these same truths.

HOME This has been the hardest. As I look and see pictures and hear stories of all the fun at home and school that I am 'missing out on' I find myself questioning whether or not I should be here. When I talk to friends, or family I sometimes get angry because I wish so badly I could be there to join them in their rejoicing, sorrows, and just to fellowship. I listen to podcast from Tcal my church in Dallas and I always find myself crying through them wishing so bad I could be a part of that community.

Breaking point: This week at coffee with Nathan, the youth pastor, and Ben. We were talking about what the hardest part so far has been, and I said how it was so hard to literally give up your life. To miss out on so much, to never get this time back, and to know that things are NOT going to be the same when I return, that I will NOT be friends with the same friends, and that some people will have changed for the worse. One thing Nathan said was this "I know how you feel, its hard and sometimes you ask yourself if it’s really worth it. You have to ask yourself what is more important? Me following God's call leaving everything behind, or being at home?" The answer is always going to be following God. It is worth it to 'miss out,' to long to be with family and friends. In the end when my life is over, I want to know that I obeyed.

CONTROL: I find that I want to do so much. I want to spend as much time with the girls, I want to make them gifts, I want to give attention specifically to each girl, I want to be able to love each of them, I want to be able to make sure that I don't miss anyone. Yet I feel so defeated! It is impossible to spend individual time with each girl, and it’s impossible to include everyone, yet I am fighting so hard and literally wearing down my body to try and please everyone. I am trying so hard to control my plans and things so that I don’t miss anyone.

Breaking point: This week whenever I was so tired and so overwhelmed. I began to cry and say Lord! I can't do it all! As much as I want to, I cannot reach each of these girls individually and show them you're love, but YOU CAN! I was doing it the wrong way all along trying to do it on my own, instead of praying that the Lord would do it! I cannot do anything, even if I did meet each girl and give them attention, if my heart wasn’t right, it would not have the impact the Lord desires.

PATIENCE- The lady I live with is great, don’t get me wrong. To preface this, before I ever came to HK back in July. I was at Vanessa's when we used to live together, and I had just gotten back from Mexico. I was falling asleep, praying and as I slept, I was awaken. I clearly heard the Lord audibly tell me "patience, I must establish patience in you." I thought, man Lord, I thought I had patience. I don’t know how you are going to establish it, when I thought I already possessed it. How is that possible? Well the Lord knew. The woman I live with is amazing, but she is very lonely and longs for a friend. The situation is a lot stickier than I can discuss, but to get to it, she is very controlling. She tries to get me to do things with her, and bugs and bugs until I go. She constantly is trying to feed me, even when I'm not hungry because she says I'm too small and need to eat more food. There are many other things, but it’s been going on like this for...well since the time I got here.

Breaking point: One day this week I was so angry at her, and she was getting on my last nerve. She was being snappy towards me and I snapped back and responded short and rudely. I came into my room to get away from her and immediately I was convicted. The Lord showed me how I was not loving her with His love. I was not showing His child the kind of Love he desired me to show her. I saw how I was failing miserably and how I had to change so much in order to really and truly 'establish patience.'

Now it’s no coincidence that all this breaking happened at the same time. Can I just tell you that it's not easy to see yourself the way God does, and to see yourself the way He desires you to be. Clearly I have a lot to work on, but what a blessing it is to praise him broken. To thank Him for revealing parts of my life and heart that I would otherwise be oblivious to if it weren't for HK and the situations I have been put in. I asked for change, for brokenness, to be molded into a better disciple, and the change has just begun.

Rejoice with me, because the testing of my faith develops perseverance to finish the race to which I was called!!

VIDEO: There is a new video in the side bar about worship. I made this video one night for our youth group. Instead of doing worship, we watched this video and the kids surrendered areas of their life and humbled themselves before the Lord. True worship is a humble and submissive spirit to our Lord. I encourage you to watch it and give up any area of your life you are still holding on to. Let the Lord, the sustainer of life, carry your load.